Part One –
You may have seen this story a few years back: Arthur Rosenfeld was in line at a Starbucks drive thru. The driver in the car behind him wanted him to move forward so that he could get closer to the microphone to order his drink. But Rosenfeld could not move any farther because there was a car in front of him. The driver behind him could not care less and started honking his horn and screaming insults at him. Rosenfeld, a karate and tai chi instructor, considered getting out of his car and in his words “sending the guy to the dentist”. But something inside him restrained that impulse. When he pulled up to the window to pay for his tea, he said “I’d like to buy the coffee for the guy behind me”.
The barista looked at him in surprise. “But he’s a jerk!”
“Just having a bad day, ” I said. “Happens to the best of us.”
“A random act of kindness, eh?”
He shook his head “Not really. I’m not doing it for him; I’m doing it for me. I was mad right back at him, but now that I’m doing this I feel much better.”
Arthur Rosenfeld’s random act of forgiveness impacted the insulting driver who in return for the gesture paid for the coffee of the car behind him who then paid for the coffee of the car behind him and so on. The story made the national news.
There are many lovely elements to this story but the one that stands out as we enter this Day of Atonement is Rosenfeld’s motivation for paying for the coffee of the man behind him. He forgave the offender because he, Rosenfeld, needed to forgive him not because the offender had done anything to deserve forgiveness.
Forgiveness is an essential component of the Day of Atonement. Repentance cannot be complete without forgiveness. Yom Kippur itself enables us to achieve this level of forgiveness in our relationship with God and most of our worship on this day will contain requests that God forgive us. But sins committed against a fellow person require acts of appeasement to achieve forgiveness. Thus one who has the burden of forgiving wields tremendous power over the sinner. The Talmud allows the injured party some leeway in withholding teshuvah from the would be penitent but not complete control, for after the third sincere attempt the injured must forgive the injurer.
Dr. Moshe Halbertal, an Israeli philosopher, in a lecture entitled: At The Threshold Of Forgiveness outlines four distinct approaches to the act of forgiveness: forgiveness as autarchy; forgiveness as empowerment; forgiveness as understanding; and forgiveness as grace. This evening I want to share with you these four types of forgiveness so that we may better understand it in order to give and receive this precious act of forgiveness.
The first, forgiveness as autarchy, means self-control and self-sufficiency. In such a case forgiveness constitutes an expression of independence from the injurer’s control over the injured person’s inner life. In the case of Arthur Rosenfeld, forgiveness was best granted not to benefit the offender but for the sake of the injured party, Rosenfeld. Rosenfeld waived his right to vengeance, for what he wanted to do was free himself entirely from the injurer.
As Ann Landers said, “Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head”. By not asking for apologies or restitution in exchange for our pardon we demonstrate that we are liberated from the offender’s control over us. Like Arthur Rosenfeld sometimes we need to forgive for our sake not the one who hurt us. And like Arthur Rosenfeld, we pray that this year be a year in which we are able to restrain our impulse to respond in anger and contention to every hurt that comes our way. May we instead turn that impulse to mechila, forgiveness.
Part 2 –
The second type of forgiveness is forgiveness as empowerment. We cannot always forgive as an act of independence, most of the time it is only appropriate to bestow forgiveness after it is clear that the offenders have done teshuvah, changing their behavior, and forswearing their hurtfulness. This links the injured to the injurer.
On the first day of Rosh Hashanah we read of how Avraham makes a covenant with Avimelekh and subsequently complains to him about act of theft that Avimelekh’s servants are committing against Avraham. Avimelekh then apologizes, albeit somewhat defensively. Why didn’t Avraham complain to Avimelekh as soon as the crimes were committed? Because he needed to establish a relationship with Avimelekh in order to bring his suit to Avimelekh’s attention and be in a position to grant forgiveness.
Halbertal calls this second type of forgiveness one of empowerment because compensation and restitution of the loss or hurt alone do not produce forgiveness. Halbertal writes, “Forgiveness involves another element, no less important than compensation; it requires restoration of the injured person’s sovereignty.”
Rabbi David Blumenfeld is an American Conservative rabbi and his daughter Laura is a journalist for the Washington Post. Years ago Rabbi Blumenfeld was the victim of a brutal terrorist assault on the streets of Jerusalem. He was shot in the head, but somehow he survived with only minor injuries.
Years later his daughter decided to track down the terrorist’s family to exact some form of revenge for her father’s shooting. Without revealing who she was, she met the family of Omar Khatib, the terrorist, and became friends with them. As she got to know the family she learned about their brother in prison and asked if she could correspond with Omar. Thus began a correspondence between a would be murderer and the daughter of the man he tried to kill. During this time Khatib, who had served 15 years in prison, was presented to a hearing board to determine whether Khatib should be released. Laura Blumenfeld managed to argue her way up to the podium and said to the court, “My name is Laura. I come from the United States. And I don’t know all the facts of this case, but I have come to know the gunman, Omar Khatib, and I believe that he has made a promise to me that he would never hurt anybody again. I’ve also communicated with David Blumenfeld, the victim, and he says it’s enough—it’s time to set him free.”
The judges started screaming. “You don’t have a right to speak!”
And she said, “I do have a right to speak, because I’m the victim’s daughter.” Omar Khatib gasped. His sister burst into tears. The Khatib family had no idea who their American journalist friend had been. The judges fell back in their seats and said, “Why would you do such a dangerous thing—deceiving this family for a year?”
And Blumenfeld said, “Because I wanted them to understand that this is not a conflict between disembodied Arabs and Jews—we’re people, we have families, and you can’t just kill us.” Omar Khatib wrote to Rabbi Blumenfeld after Laura’s revelation, “I would like first to express to you my deep pain and sorrow for what I caused you. I’ve learned many things about you. . . . Laura was the mirror that made me see your face as a human person deserving to be admired and respected.” Khatib subsequently became a student of international politics, and a proponent of peace.
For the victim of a terrorist act, or any act of violence in which the perpetrator sees his act as justified, the physical pain from the attack is only part of the injury. The other is the emotional and psychic anguish that comes from the unwillingness of the perpetrator to even acknowledge that a wrong was done. Once the injurer can acknowledge remorse and resolve not to pursue his previous actions, forgiveness empowers the injured party by giving them back their dignity. Omar Khatib’s acceptance through his relationship with Laura Blumenfeld of his wrongful ways laid the groundwork for Laura and her father to forgive Omar Khatib and to complete the inner healing that lagged behind the physical healing of the wound.
In this coming year may we come to appreciate the power that our forgiveness has to return our dignity. When we hurt and aggrieve others may be appreciate that until we are worthy of their forgiveness the debt accrued through our injury cannot be relieved.
Part 3 –
A third type of forgiveness is forgiveness as understanding. In June 1991, Michael Weisser, who was a cantor at the time moved with his wife and children to Lincoln, Nebraska. Soon they were being harassed by phone calls and hate mail. The police warned them it was the work of Larry Trapp, the local Grand Wizard of the Klu Klux Klan, whom they considered dangerous. “We know he makes explosives”. Trapp was active in the hate movement, launching a white supremacist series on a local-access cable channel, even though he was a diabetic and wheel chair bound. The Weissers knew where he lived – all alone in a cramped one-room apartment.
After the hate mail, Julie Weisser began to wonder about Trapp. She was struck by how lonely he must be, how isolated in all his hatred. She would drive past his apartment complex and while she was infuriated by him, she was also intrigued by how he could become so evil. She told Michael she had an idea: She was going to send Trapp a letter every day, along with a passage from Proverbs about how to treat your fellow man and conduct your life.
Michael called Trapp’s KKK hotline and would leave messages. “Larry,” he said. “Why do you hate me? You don’t even know me, so how can you hate me?”
Another time he said, “Larry, do you know that the first laws Hitler’s Nazis passed were against people like yourself who had physical deformities, physical handicaps? Do you realize you would have been among the first to die under Hitler?
One night, however, he asked Julie, “What will I do if the guy ever picks up the phone?”
“Tell him you want to do something nice for him,” she said: “Tell him you’ll take him to the grocery store or something. Anything to help him. It will catch him totally off guard.”
And one day, just after Michael said, “Larry, when you give up hating, a world of love is waiting for you,” Trapp, did pick up the phone and shouted, “What do you want?”
I just want to talk to you,” said Michael.
“Why the—-are you harassing me? Stop harassing me!”
“I don’t want to harass you, Larry,” Michael said. “I just want to talk to you.”
“I know your voice. You black by any chance?”
“No, I’m Jewish.”
“You are harassing me,” said Trapp. “What do you want? Make it quick.”
Michael remembered Julie’s advice. “Well, I was thinking you might need a hand with something, and I wondered if I could help,” he said. “I know you’re in a wheelchair and I thought maybe I could take you to the grocery store or something.”
Trapp couldn’t think of anything to say. Michael listened to the silence. Finally, Trapp cleared his throat and, when he spoke, his voice sounded different.
“That’s okay,” he said. “That’s nice of you, but I’ve got that covered. Thanks anyway. But don’t call this number anymore.” Michael replied, “I’ll be in touch.”
And so began continuous communication between Cantor Michael Weisser and Grand Dragon Larry Trapp. One night after one of Michael’s calls, Larry said to him, I want to get out but I don’t know how”. The Weissers came to his apartment and he handed them two rings with Swastikas on them, “I can’t wear these anymore. Will you take them away?”
“Larry, we brought you a ring, too,” Julie said, and slid a silver friendship ring onto his finger. Larry began to sob. “I’m so sorry for all the things I’ve done,” he said. Michael and Julie put their arms around Larry and hugged him. Overwhelmed by emotion, they started crying, too.
By November 1991, Larry Trapp’s health had deteriorated precipitously. Five months after sending the Weisser’s hate mail, Larry Trapp moved in with them and Julie Weisser became his full time care giver. Before he died Larry Trapp converted to Judaism.
The story of the Cantor and the Klansman conveys the third of Moshe Halbertal’s types of forgiveness, forgiveness as understanding. Halbertal explains that two processes define this type. One process rests on the appreciation by the injured party of the context of circumstances which led the offender to act. Julie Weisser’s curiosity to know more about the person who was harassing them demonstrated a sensitivity that this person’s hatefulness must have been spawn out of awful circumstances. And she was right – not only was he suffering from physical illnesses, as a child he had been molested by black youths in a reform school and this engraved hatred of blacks on his heart.
The other process distinguishes the injurer from the injurious event. The victim is able to see through the act of repentance and remorse of the perpetrator that the act itself is not part of who the actor is.
Michael Weisser articulates this idea when in an interview with Larry Trapp before Larry died he explained, “I think Larry Trapp has always been a good man, yet he’s had a life that’s been messed up. Until I spoke to Larry Trapp, I’d only had a couple of other experiences with people who are involved in the organizations that Larry was involved with. I never wanted to talk to them; I was afraid of them. The experience of having met and talked with and learning to love Larry Trapp has been eye-opening for me. Larry has helped me realize something about my religion that I’ve taught a lot of people: I am obligated to try to love Larry Trapp — to hate what he stood for, but to love Larry Trapp.”
May this year we too be able to disengage hurtful acts from decent people. All of us are capable of abusing others, often the ones we are closest to but that does not make us wicked. Let us distinguish our hurtful behaviors from our true essence in order to change those harmful acts.
Part 4 –
Love is a key component to the fourth type of forgiveness also. This is forgiveness as grace. Halbertal explains that in the forgiveness process of empowerment and understanding, the examples of Rabbi Blumenfeld and Cantor Weisser, the act of remorse on the part of the injurer is what establishes forgiveness. In the grant of forgiveness as grace, however it is forgiveness that is meant to bring about remorse. By turning to the offender in total love and without making demands on him, the injured party strives to generate a reversal of values in the offender. What is questionable is whether this automatic forgiveness can actually bring about the desired inner change. This approach to forgiveness does not fall under the capacity of human beings in the Mishnaic laws of forgiveness.
R. Elazar ben Azariah expounded: [For on this day atonement shall be made for you to cleanse you] from all your sins before the LORD you shall be clean**—the Day of Atonement (Yom Kippur) effects atonement for transgressions between a man and God; the Day of Atonement does not effect atonement for transgressions between a man and his fellow until [the injurer] placates his fellow (Mishnah Yoma 8:9).
In Jewish sources forgiveness as grace is the exclusive province of the Divine. This kind of forgiveness is related to atonement, kaparah, as in Yom Kippur the Day of Atonement. “from all your sins before the LORD you shall be clean” Forgiveness of this sort is an existential cleansing.
A midrash explains that it is like a prince who was ill. The doctors said to the king, “If he will eat this food he will get better.” But the prince was afraid to eat it. Said his father , know that it will not harm you but look I will eat of it to prove it to you.” So says the Holy One to Israel are you ashamed to do teshuvah? Behold I will return to you first.
We are so grateful to know that God loves us so much, that God wants us so badly to do good and live righteously that God is willing to forgive even before we have completely turned. The stories shared this evening reveal the close connection between forgiveness and love. (From Rabbi David Greenspoon)
Forgiveness is a sign of positive self esteem by moving past the sense of victimhood.
Forgiveness is recognizing the need to avoid the toxicity of resentment. It is letting go of our hatred and self-pity.
Forgiveness is no longer wanting to punish the people who hurt us.
Forgiveness is accepting that nothing we do to punish them will heal us.
Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds.
Forgiveness is moving on.
Arthur Rosenfeld turned his anger and hostility into an act of thoughtfulness, even though the recipient did nothing to deserve it. Laura Blumenfeld used her hurt and injury to teach Omar Khatib empathy; and Michael and Julie Weisser’s forgiveness sprang from sympathy once they knew the real Larry Trapp. As we enter this year we know with certainty there will be many insults and hurts that come our way. May we learn to turn our hurts to acts of kindness, may we help those who abuse us to see their humanity in our humanity, may we realize that those who afflict are in pain themselves. And may we in our willingness to forgive those who are truly remorseful, be worthy recipients of God’s unrequited love and grace.